absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Come share oat with me in your robe
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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