So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
