I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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