So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
