If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
