he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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