I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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