Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
