cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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