just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
