Porn is love you can see.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
