Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
