I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
