When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
