Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
