I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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