Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
