Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
