i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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