I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
