If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
