this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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