If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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