Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
