FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
