K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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