She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize