I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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