Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
