the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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