OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
