my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
