I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
