Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just pee around me
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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