i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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