hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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