the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
