I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
