She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
