I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize