So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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