she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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