i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
