Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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