never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
