I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
