I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
