and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
