woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
