So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
