I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
