Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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