i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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