remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
