I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
