My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
