You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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