maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
