His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
