So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
