Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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