Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
