my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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