so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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