I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
