There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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